LadySiha's avatar

LadySiha

I'm Confused...
72 Watchers369 Deviations
23.1K
Pageviews
I just had some thoughts rolling around in my head for the last few weeks and I wanted to put them down somewhere, and thought here was okay.

Self-esteem is not something you just have.  I feel it's a carefully built and reinforced wall we work at all of our lives, if we choose to.  Some people start with a more sturdy wall, others choose to never improve their own and continue to be treated like dirt while expecting everyone else to fix it for them.
My self-esteem has been trash since I was a kid (thank you bullying class mates) and I've never had the confidence to stand up for myself.  However, at nearly 30, I find myself starting to grow up and feel like an adult and take control. 
Partly, this happened because I didn't have a choice.  I take care of myself.  I'm proud that I can pay my own bills, even though my student loans sometimes seem overwhelming.  I never anticipated my life changing in the way it has would have given me more confidence, but it has. 
I've cleaned out a lot of garbage literally and figuratively.  I've surrounded myself with people who love me for me, who want to see me built up and not brought down.

I am LadySiha and I am beautiful.

These are words that all of my life I've not felt comfortable flat out saying.  While I'd admit I am attractive, I'd never use those words.
To be fair, I owe my beauty to my parents.  Especially to my mom who, as I get older, the rest of my family tells me I look more and more like her.  I also owe it to my sister as well as my mom (once again) who taught me how to make the most of it.  How to use and enjoy make-up.  How to dress myself and make myself feel pretty for myself and not for the benefit of anyone else.  Right now I live thinking this way every day and it makes me feel so good.

I am LadySiha and I will take control of my life.
I don't want anyone else making my decisions, or influencing me in way that are negative.  I don't want people bringing me down and making me feel like garbage, especially when I've grown so much in the last 6 months.  I won't stop being who I am, won't stop cosplaying, and won't stop being an artist.  I will do what makes me happy, and I'm sure that means my future will be the one I hope for.

I am LadySiha and I will be a registered nurse.
Yeah, I figure that's a crazy thought to throw out on here, but it's important.  My previously shattered confidence matters here, too.  Fears of I won't be good enough or I'll slip up and hurt someone have been holding me back.  I refuse to be held back anymore.
I got my BSN 6 years.  The nursing program at the university I went to was the most difficult program that was offered.  While my grades weren't the best (because the grading scale was so difficult) I would have graduated with honors in other programs.  I passed my boards on the first try.  I just renewed my license this February.  By the next time I re-new I will be working in my field. 
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Things are better.  I still feel like I never have enough time, but rearranging my priorities has improved my life, a lot.
I'm still tired, but getting better at slowing down and relaxing when I'm able.  But it's hard to do when you're the kind of person who feels as if you're wasting time if you're not doing SOMETHING.  On a weird side-note, I actually find doing wash relaxing..... (at least doing my own).

After the new year I'm hoping to get back to costuming.  I have a better crafting space, now, and have better access to help if I need it.  
I also want to get back to bento.... mostly out of practicality (I.e. I put on weight in the last 6 months that I want to go away).  I'm also hoping to get back to working out, but it seems every time my chiropractor has me in better shape, again, something else goes wrong (I'm looking at you, snow I had to shovel).

To all of my followers, if you read this, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
I just want to start out with, I'm trying.  I even posted my pony custom a little while ago.  I have some drawings, I just haven't had the time to sit and get them on the computer.

I have no time, right now.  I feel like I'm running constantly.  I'm a person who always feels like "I don't have enough time" but manages to cope with it.  In the last month, or so, that feeling of not having enough time is completely overwhelming.

I'm exhausted.  I go home at night and fall asleep.  I wake up a million times in the night so I'm not getting any decent quality of sleep.  I started getting up earlier so that I make time to clean up around the house since I fall asleep right after work.

I took down my "Possible Future Cosplay" list.  I want to be clear.  I'm not quitting cosplaying.  I love it.  It makes me feel wonderfully satisfied to put on my completed project and to do photo shoots.  Just, with all of the stress in my life, right now I don't need the added weight of that list looming over my head.
I want to put all of my effort into finishing my one costume in progress, and start saving for my next (which I'm dying to do and will be crazy-expensive to make).

I do have 3 photo shoots that I want to get done.  One can be done in a studio (so maybe November?  Like a birthday present?), one is getting set up in January, and the third will probably have to wait until spring (I'd like to do it now, but it's my sister's busy time of the year).

I'm around, I'm doing stuff and I'm trying to get stuff together.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

Maybe...?

1 min read
I just haven't posted anything for a long time.  I've been playing with some photo editing, and drawing, so that stuff may show up...

....also... there may be a photo shoot in my future.... I'm not sure yet.  My photographer (a.k.a. Big Sister) is moving, and thinks she'll have the time, but not sure yet....

I hope it works out... you'll hear about it.... it would cheer my up immensely if it does...
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

Keeping Busy

3 min read


Just a note, since I'm up early-ish and have nothing to do.  

I have been keeping busy between work and getting things ready for Anime Central 2013.  I've been working hard on my splicer (from Bioshock) costume, and was originally trying to be optimistic that I could get my Merrill (from Dragon Age 2) done.  However, my work schedule was all over the place for awhile, and then changed a bit, but I'm still at full time and trying to squeeze in family time when I can.
Also, speaking of family time, my older sister had her second baby at the end of April, and I'll be staying with the week of ACen.  I originally was planning on working on stuff while I was there that week.  However, I don't want to do anything with toxic fumes/dust (dremeling EVA, sealing painted pieces) around an infant, or anything "impressionable" (like painting on clothes) around a 3-year-old.

So far, my plans for costumes to wear at ACen include: Anya Stroud (GoW3), Princess Bubblegum (Adventure Time), Splicer (Bioshock) and a steampunk coordinate!
I already know PB and the splicer will both be Saturday (due to the photoshoot schedule) and it's going to be a hectic day with too much make-up and too many showers...  For the steampunk outfit I'll probably be wearing my "Steampunk Rapunzel" (that's was we nicknamed it) that I wore to KitsuneKon but only got one crummy cellphone self shoot of....

Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Featured

Self-Esteem, Confidence and Feeling Beautiful by LadySiha, journal

Merry Christmas - It's Working Out by LadySiha, journal

More Pointless Apologizing by LadySiha, journal

Maybe...? by LadySiha, journal

Keeping Busy by LadySiha, journal